My Least Favorite F Word

As I sit here staring at a blank screen, my weather app alerted me that there is heavy rain near my area. My mind is full with words waiting to burst onto the blank page like the clouds before it rains. I hear the pouring rain and it reminds me once again that I should be pouring out the words trapped inside of me out of …….. dare I say it? The four letter F word that I hate – – – – – – F E A R. It’s raining harder now – like my heartbeat that beats faster just before I hit the blue publish tab on the right hand side of my screen.

The harder the rainfalls, the faster my mind races – all of the what ifs.

I saw my high school journalism teacher and his wife out last night. I wish I believed in myself and my writing as much as he does even 32 years later. He put his arm around me and said to a lady across from us “One of the best writers I’ve ever met.” He literally says that every time I see him out and about. And yet, here I sit reading glasses on, with my silent companion Coal laying beside me, bedside table lamp on, tv off, listening to the rain come in and out in waves while I still hold the words inside.

Whhhhhyyyyyyyy do I do this to myself? Every single time. I am a strong and confident woman. Until…… I open my laptop and stare at the blank page.

I try and dig through the junk to find what exactly it is that stops me in my tracks when I open a new page to write. Sometimes those closest to you shouting all of the things you don’t do right and are never for you, pointing their finger at you saying you this, you that, you, you, you while they never look at the four fingers pointed back in to themselves. And I wonder why my lack of confidence of myself is at an all time low. HA

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it is never enough? Jump. How high? Nope – sorry – not high enough. Go here. Go there. Rushing. Giving. Doing. Almost to the point of mental and physical exhaustion. Yet, never good enough.

No one cares what they say to me or how they make me feel whether it is a text or face-to-face or complete silence. I hear you. I see you.

As the dawn of a new day and month tries to peak over the hill with the rain and clouds damping the day, it doesn’t stop the rooster from crowing next door. The rain has all but stopped. Washing away the dryness of the months prior. I will take that as a sign to pour it out onto the blank page and stop biting my tongue. There will always be someone crowing like the rooster. Always someone trying to dampen your day like the rain. I am going to push myself to be like the sun and rise every day to start drying up my own self doubt and let my words crow louder until I drown out the words of others in my head placed there out of disrespect not love.

The rain has stopped. Light is peaking through the dark clouds and the words from the song Rise Up placed on my heart. I will rise up from the darkness of that four letter word fear and push the doubt out of my mind and be me. I will stop biting my tongue. Get out there and RISE UP.

XOXO
~ PGWW