Today was different for me. One where I didn’t even recognize myself. Tired in a way that felt like I was trudging through mud. When my alarm went off, I was sleeping so very well. Which in itself is different for me because sleep eludes me. I feel like I nap at night instead of actual sleeping. I fell back asleep in the recliner while my coffee turned cold. It put me in mind of Dolly Parton’s song – 9 to 5.
Tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen. Pour myself a cup of ambition.
Yawnin’ and stretchin’ and try to come to life. Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumpin’. Out on the streets, the traffic starts jumpin’. With folks like me on the job from 9 to 5 .
I did all of those things except when I got in the shower thinking that would wake me up like it always does it didn’t today. I stood there for 45 minutes waiting to wake up completely to get my day started. My work day begins at 7:30 a.m. though I am always there anywhere from half and hour to forty-five minutes early. My philosophy is that if you’re on time; you’re late. My days are so very hectic and non-stop that those thirty to forty-five minutes makes my work day easier on me. Today, I wasn’t capable of doing all the things that run my office efficiently, safely and productively. I stood in my robe trying to make the decision of whether I went or stayed. I chose to stay. After texting my deans and office co-workers that I wouldn’t be in today, relief washed across myself. I had zero ambition today no matter the coffee I had poured into my cup.
I ate chicken noodle soup, crackers and drank a coke for breakfast. Strange – I know but I am more of a savory for breakfast gal. The salt and warmth soothes me. Gregory was off today. He picked up the groceries that I had scheduled the day before. He had a list of things to do on his day off and I am thankful he did. After he left for the second time, I literally found myself dozing off at my computer sitting straight up. I took myself to the couch with a blanket and a pillow. Turned on Netflix. Coal curled up behind my legs and I went back to sleep. The kind of sleep that you are in and out of but feel a wee bit rested afterwards.
After my nap, I was hungry again so I fixed myself a ham and cheese sandwich with Doritos and another coke. I sat on the front porch in the fall sun with Coal at my feet. I listened to the neighbor cut hay. I reflected on the days behind me and the approaching date of my mother’s passing. I feel – alone. I’m not alone but I feel as if I am. The past 352 days have been filled with lots of busyness. Trying to make sure all needs are met for my family. Emotionally and physically.
I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss my life with them. I miss being little. I see TikTok videos of an AI generated time from the 1980’s going to your grandmother’s house at Christmas. The easy times. No cell phones. Three maybe four channels on the tv. I cherished every single moment. And, now that I am the adult, I want mine to look back and cherish those days.
After finishing my lunch, I sat and thought about all of the absence since my mother passed and the people who I no longer hear from. People I never imagined who would leave me too. Quit me all together. I have sent cards and texts. Yes, snail mail. Only to realize that efforts put out are not always reciprocated. My mother is the one who passed. MINE.
I’m still tired. Not depressed. Tired. I know the difference between the two. It is 6:30 p.m. and I could go to bed. I know better than to even try because at 11:00 p.m., I would be wide away until tomorrow evening. Four to five hours is the amount of sleep I get in a day.
My A Team texted while writing this – I am blessed with the best team.
In one text I was summed up – Avoidance of grief is something fixers do I believe. We want to make sure everyone else is ok and keep everyone happy, until the day it hits you. And even with that it will still come in waves.
Grief is a beast and one hard to tango with.We love ya! ❤️
As strong as I am, I am still human. I deal with life differently than some – most. I am built different. No better. Just different. And, that’s okay. Tomorrow is a new day. One filled with hope, love and passion.
Onward & Upward
XOXO ~ PGWW
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